Once upon a time in a land far far away….Well it seems like it is a fairytale some times – my years in the wilderness that is. In those times it was very difficult to walk down the road or through the town. Many simple things took on nightmarish proportions and my life, such as it was, was in tatters. the constant battle with my mental and emotional demons drained me of strength. I saw all those people around me doing and speaking of the places that they had been and I knew that I couldn’t experience these things because of the fear and anxiety in my life. Basically because of who I was and what I believed. Panic and anxiety are, I believe, symptoms of a fear based conflict within the inner being. Once a person can relieve some of this inner, as I see it, spiritual tension, then that person is on the road to freedom.

Some people are more damaged than others that is a fact. I believe that I was seriously damaged by this inner conflict. So much so that my recovery has and will be a lifelong thing. But that is not bad news – only a realisation.

I have taken the opportunity to show the many visitors to this site (at least 19 visits per month!!) a picture of myself at Wembley Stadium, England’s national stadium in London. The ground was starting to fill up and some kids teams were playing a game of Rugby League as a curtain raiser to the main event.

This picture is a testament to a life miraculously changed around. I would never have reached such a destination let alone gone in and stayed in!

The hours leading up to the game were at times tense and at other times fearful and anxious. This was mixed in with excitement and calmness. In fact a whole range of emotion went through me as I waited for my son to arrive off of the train.

Without recounting the whole day let me underline some important point when dealing with a situation like this:

1. I have aired all of my life’s secrets in front of a trusted adviser and been willing to face my demons. Therefore when a stressful situation arises none of them come into my mind with any real force. A guilty mind will drag up stuff in times of stress.

2. The bottom line is that one can never overcome anything like this until one actually turns up and joins in.

3. A prayer life has enabled me to leave the situation in the hands of God as best as I can. Pray, turn it over, and then turn up.

4. Eat drink and talk to people. Don’t get stuck in the trap of trying to battle with the mental stress. It won’t work. Fruitful distraction does work. Take the focus off of the self.

5. When inside I approached the medic station and told them that I might need to come and chill in their area if I got a bit het up. They were cool with that.

Bottom line is that I made the journey and turned up with a willing heart. I saw the usual anxiety for what it was – part of a pattern, and let it pass buy. I passed the time with a few people and had a walk around taking in the sites. Thus taking the focus off myself. I knew I could leave if I wanted to but put myself in the light.

The day went well and I was very pleased to have gone there and seen such a great stadium. We enjoyed the game and had a good time together. And as the occasion unfolds so does the great experience. Anxiety melts into the background and it is seen for what is really is – an illusion. Fear is not the ground of our being – love is.

Sometimes, and especially with things of the heart and mind, it is very difficult to dig myself out of a sticky situation. Whether it be ‘thinking stuff’ problems or recurring trauma it is too difficult alone to make any headway. And the more we try to dig ourselves out the worse it seems to get.

A broken mind cannot think itself straight. It need healing from within, but help from without. This is our dilemma! Where are we to look for such help?

I know where I look and how fruitful my life has become. Do you know where you are looking?

To be sure, the movement of the human heart around fear is a complicated thing. Some people say that fear is either about something that we might lose or something that we fear that we will not get. I’m not sure that it is that simple. I know fear comes in many shapes ands forms and to be able to tame it is often not an overnight thing. Let us then think of the antidote or healing opposite of fear. The saying goes that fear knocked the door and faith opened it, it was then that fear disappeared. I tend to think that fear is a way of seeing things and so the healing opposite must also be a way of seeing things. Hence the other side of fear is love. Love does not see what a fearful heart sees. Marianne Williamson’s book A Return To Love takes a different view of things and I found some of it very helpful.

It is my experience that emotional/spiritual movement (or whatever the proper word is) is not totally in my hands. Over time I have come to realise that I am not the best judge of when I am read to move, understand something, let go etc. What I can do is keep myself ready and available for this change to happen, by keeping an open mind and following a few disciplines, by which I don’t dissappear too far up my own backside. Thus I am more likely to see the opportunity when it is presented.

The journey into wholeness is ongoing and peices of the jigsaw are presented in such a way so that they fit properly. By that I mean that understanding and compassion grows along with the picture as it emerges.

To turn down these opportunities through anger, resentment, fear or pride is to keep oneself enthralled to the present state of being. And what type of person would give up a chance to change themselves for the better? I have found and am finding out, that my ideals are limited, and although rational, to me anyway, in the long run do not allow me to be who I could be. How do I know this? By trying another way where the ideals are greater than what I could have thought up for myself. In this way I become a different person, more in love with this life and the people in it.