I used to look at people with great envy and malice in my heart. And I was deeply confused about why I felt the way that I did. I was angry at what they had and the I thought that they paid no price for anything that they had. I believed that this life was easy for them. That they had had it all given to them on a plate. How wrong I was.
Every time I matched myself up against what I thought a man should be I fell way short. Into a morass of self condemnation/ Why couldn’t I have been like them or had the things that they had. I didn’t know how much envy poisoned me to the core.
Behind it all was the knowledge of inadequacy and the spitefulness that low self esteem brings. I had had my chances but had never had what I needed to accept them and nurture them. I never knew how to work at something until it changed.
I have just seen a young family playing around in the cool night air next to the sea. The boys were giving piggy backs and fooling around. It brought a smile to my face where once would have been anger at them having something that I had not. I find that this sort of thing happens quite a lot these days.
I have come to terms with my own failings and try not to be-grudge anyone their happiness. Time, effort, acceptance and honesty with myself have helped this process.