Wholeness

January 27, 2012 By Leave a Comment

It is my experience that emotional/spiritual movement (or whatever the proper word is) is not totally in my hands. Over time I have come to realise that I am not the best judge of when I am read to move, understand something, let go etc. What I can do is keep myself ready and available for this change to happen, by keeping an open mind and following a few disciplines, by which I don’t dissappear too far up my own backside. Thus I am more likely to see the opportunity when it is presented.

The journey into wholeness is ongoing and peices of the jigsaw are presented in such a way so that they fit properly. By that I mean that understanding and compassion grows along with the picture as it emerges.

To turn down these opportunities through anger, resentment, fear or pride is to keep oneself enthralled to the present state of being. And what type of person would give up a chance to change themselves for the better? I have found and am finding out, that my ideals are limited, and although rational, to me anyway, in the long run do not allow me to be who I could be. How do I know this? By trying another way where the ideals are greater than what I could have thought up for myself. In this way I become a different person, more in love with this life and the people in it.

 

Filed Under: Love

What’s the question?

January 22, 2012 By Leave a Comment

If the answer’s God, what’s the question? So spoke an aquiantance of mine when we were talking about staying sane and being happy. It is an intriging question with many answers i suppose. There is no real getting away from the question if you have been ill or emotionally damaged. In fact I believe that this question is at the forefront of any recovery journey. You see, we either lean more toward the human for help, or more toward the divine. What I always try to ask myself is can my wounds be healed by other people or do I need something else. Then I have both question and answer. I would be interestd in your views on this.

Filed Under: Faith

Taking the leap

January 20, 2012 By Leave a Comment

I am so glad to have escaped the bog of my previous existence. Both the physical aspect in the people who knew and the spiritual in what I saw and believed was happening all around me.

I virtually walked away from everyone that I knew and started a new life; I was blind and very afraid but I had a lot of support, without which I couldn’t have done it. My previous circles were by no means bereft of goodness and stimulation, but they wasn’t for me. And so off I went. I now and again hear of the madness that some of my old associates are involved in and the food for thought it gives me is priceless.

When we are in a situation that is killing us emotionally, and that way of living seems like everything, it is very difficult to walk away. Indeed many people, out of fear of the unknown, stay where they are. I had to move on, and it has been one of the greatest things that I’ve ever done. The new people, things, ideas, sights that I have experiened have given me a new life that I want to expand even more. If you truly need to, you have to do it, and you will always find the way that means something to you. Onward!

 

Filed Under: Faith

Discipline

January 18, 2012 By Leave a Comment

In order to recover from anxiety disorder I have found that I needed to be disciplined. Not so much with trying to order everything in my life but with following a few things on a daily basis.

The world of the angst ridden is on the surface quite chaotic. But a closer look shows that there are quite deliberate patterns tirelessly repeating themselves day in and day out.

Thus the children of the ‘panic’ as we might be called, are half way there when it comes to discipline. Discipline is just to follow a certain way or path. Hence the word (probably where it comes from anyway) disciple! We panicky types need routine and discipline – however boring it might be – because productive routines bring safety and safety in turn gives us time to reflect. Our thoughts are no longer rushing around unable to be caught and put in a sentence. When we are bored enough we know it will be time to move on.

Try this discipline for a few days or weeks: when you wake up think about what you’d like to get done today. Speak out loud to the universe, spirit or God and ask for what you need to do these things. In doing what you have laid down, do not overlook opportunities in which to give something away. Give it freely, be it time, your ear, some cash (if you are able) and see what benefits enrich you as time goes by. This is a beginning. Try it and see. We will be slaves no more – we need to be free from the bondage of self – this is usually wrapped up in helping others.

Filed Under: Discipline

Trust and the health professions

January 15, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Over the years I have met many counsellors – both qualified and self appointed. My experience is that the ‘anxiety and counselling industry’ is a very mixed bag indeed. I have met people in whom I would put my trust and others who I believe are playing a very dangerous games with other peoples live’s.

This industry is a minefield with many of the counsellors themselves being in a worse emotional state than the punters! Why they take up such a profession is guesswork, but unfortunately they get away with it. I have personally known several people in professional counselling who i wouldn’t let look after my dog (if indeed I had one). These people wear various disguises and I can only summize that some twisted need motivates them to intervene in vulnerable people live’s. But enough said about them!

It has also been my pleasure and  joy to have met with several experienced and balanced therapists who have helped me to see myself differently and enter a different relationship with those about me and with God. Such people I salute. Unfortunately we are dealing with a vast and varying industry in which we have to sort the wheat from the chaff. Onward!

Filed Under: Therapy

narcissus

January 13, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Narcissus was a famous hunter who was incapable of letting other people into his life. Perhaps more famously he died a lonley man after falling in love with his own reflection and never being able to find the man that he had fallen in love with.

He had been drawn to the waters edge by the gods, who i suppose, had wanted to punish him for his aloofness. That is when he was cursed by the affliction which was to be his end.

Self obsession is a disasterous path to travel, even more so the affliction of seeing my own reflection in everyone and everything. The world and its inhabitants are not just extentions of me. I avoid self obssession by letting people into my life and being interested in them and the world around me and by having a moral code (however falteringly I stick to it) that gives me ideas bigger and more important than myself.

Being freed from the bondage of the self is a wonderful thing.

Filed Under: Bondage of self

The weather

January 10, 2012 By Leave a Comment

I always found that I was less anxious when the weather was bad. The more dour, bitter cold or miserable it was the more freedom I had. Conversely the brighter and sunnier the more vulnerable I would feel. I used to feel that the heat of anxiety was like hell and that the heat of the sun remided me of this! I hated it and would be thinking about the next summer as the last one was ending!

Whatever the truth really was, in the summer I wore less clothes and this for me really equated with taking my armour off. I felt that I had been stripped naked for all to see! I really did feel better hwen it was chucking it down with rain. I thought that people just went about their business when it was wet and never bothered about who I was. This was part of the self absorbed lie that I become entrapped in. Anyway the cooler weather meant that I wasn’t reminded of the fires of hell/anxiety and I could just put my head down and not be bothered.

All this has changed and I’m so glad today that I enjoy the weather for what it is and fit myself to it rather than struggling with it.  I like the seasons and have my health with which to enjoy them and no longer see the weather as a reflection of my moods.

 

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Disraction from angst

January 8, 2012 By Leave a Comment

A long time ago when I was in a day hospital trying to recover from this that and the other, the head nurse suggested that I might use some distraction to reduce my anxiety. He thought that when an anxiety episode started that I should ping/slap the band against my skin and that this would help distract my attention from the fear.

After trying this a few times and even in my burned down state, I realised that I was pinging the band harder and harder without any noticeable effect. In fact I think that it stoked me up a little further and that it was bordering on self harm. You see for me at that time and in my vulnerable state it was an easy thought process to go from an elastic band around the wrist to slamming my fingers in the door or something similar. I took the band off and tried other things instead.

My point is that distraction is good as long as it isn’t harmful and it must be in conjunction with character building and change. If  it’s not then all we are doing is running for the rest of our lives. Over the years as I have become happier with myself, some of  the ‘distractions’ that I have had, have turned into hobbies and interests. This can only be an added bonus to my life.

Filed Under: Distraction

sharing/solitude

January 3, 2012 By Leave a Comment

A problem aired is a problem halved so the saying goes. Does sharing a problem reduce anxiety and worry or does it lower self esteem in as mush as it lets the other person know that you are not coping?

Just trying to let the cat among the pigeons and provoke some response on the subject of doing it alone or letting people in. When I worry a lot about something and I don’t see myself as being in ‘control’ of my own life I tend to get full of pride. My pride says that I cannot be seen as a worried and fretful and without really thinking about it I start to project an image of myself that doesn’t fit the truth. I think it’s part of the human condition and needs the effort of vigilance to counteract it. 

My question I suppose is one concerning limitations. Can a person having difficulty with anxiety and panic really sort it out off of their own back? Does medication alone work, does verbally sharing the problem work, does crashing through it and getting on with life work, does self sufficiency alone work, or do we need somebody or something else?

 

My own experience is that going it alone really takes a super-human effort which I do not possess. I think that it depends on where a particular  person is damaged and how much damage there is. Could we say that people who find it hard to trust generally find living harder than those who can trust? I don’t know if it’s a rule but there is certainly some truth in that statement. I’m not laying down any laws, only suggesting that knowing our limitations points us in the right direction toward what we need and that pride gets in the way when we are trying to present to the world a version of ourselves which isn’t true. I believe that the unaided human will cannot solve my problems. This is the beginning of seeing my own limitations.

Filed Under: sharing